"F-CK THE PATRIARCHY!" is something I love to scream into empty space when I'm frustrated, because it just feels good to blame everything that happens on something that seems so helplessly intangible. I feel like I've been yelling it more than usual recently (& also writing it on bristol board with glitter). But something I haven't done is think about the role I play, individually, in the patriarchy. What does it means to be a masculine leaning queer female who is also a visible minority in this culture? And what does it mean to be the opposite?
"I'M AN IMPOSTOR!" is something my brain loves to insidiously remind my body, heart, and spirit every time they start acting of their own free will. I often feel personally victimized by my very own personal Regina George. When I first heard about impostor syndrome, the previous twenty-something years of my life clicked into place, like flashbacks of a movie detective that just found a key piece of evidence that was in plain sight the entire time. The thing is, impostor syndrome isn't recognized by the medical world despite estimations that about 70% of the population ...
Our voice the instrument we use to share who we are with the world. In public, it’s sharing our identity, ideas, values, and self-worth. It’s letting someone in your mind. In private, it’s sharing our desires, fantasies, fears, vulnerabilities, instincts, our preferences. It’s literally letting someone into your body and space. Speaking up for yourself is a universal good. We build up ideas about who we are for our entire lives, using other people's words instead of our own because they've been reinforced for so long...
Summer's a great time to reflect - preferably on a beach, with a smorgasbord of snacks and a sneaky tall can (or two). Reviewing old journals, I seem to only write when things are spinning out of control. But recently I've been writing just to know what's in my head, what I'm grateful for, and what I'm going to try to work on for the next month. A benefit of this is not only am I getting to know and like my best self a lot more, but people who find my journals in 100 years after my death won't be under the impression that my entire life was a series of train-wrecks colliding simultaneously...
We have shoes, we break them in until they no longer serve us, and then we buy a new pair. Would you continue wearing a pair of shoes even if they were painful, worn out, or if you just simply didn't like them? Why does changing our lives seem more complicated than changing our shoes? And why can't we enter into new areas of life like we're opening an ominous orange box with a check-mark.
This newsletter is about establishing boundaries and building strategies so you can just do it.
Most of us lead double lives - the life we think we should be living, and the life we really want. Usually the life we really want - a lifestyle, a passion project, a dream - is closeted for way too long because of the normal BS we routinely recycle to keep dis-empowering ourselves. Things like making excuses, cycles of procrastination, comparing ourselves, and creating unrealistic expectations. All too often we get high off who we think we are. We take a hit every time we we check our profiles and feeds, and review our work experience as if it tells a story about the person we will become. As a matter of fact, I've got a slight buzz going right now y'all, but a girl can try to change her ways ...can't she?
THE HAPPY EVER-PRESENT
Love is one of those things that is easy to get carried away with. We often make it more than it is and put it on a pedestal. We have ideas of what it should be like based on the past, and anxiety of what it should turn out in the future. Expectations backwards and forwards, meanwhile the present (which shapes the future) slips away along with opportunities inside and outside relationships. Meanwhile, it's meant to be much more simple than that. Holding on to expectations is a struggle you carry with you and copy+paste into countless scenarios. It's much easier to let go of those expectations and accept and respond to whatever happens. To take any leap of faith requires knowing yourself, and knowing yourself comes with age, intentional practice, or both.
OKAY, WRAP IT UP (ENDINGS & EXHALES)
It's December. The beginning of the end of the year. The time of year where every first conversation of the day begins with 'OMIGOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S DECEMBER'. Shut up, Carol. We all know what month it is - stop reminding us about how little we've achieved. Of course, we all achieved something great this year, it's just that we often want so much that it feels like we've barely scratched the surface - as if in 12 months, 365 Days - we were going to somehow 'get it all together'. This month - the month of hectic Holiday parties, festivities, food, friendships and family - stop trying to get somewhere, do something, or be nice instead of naughty. Celebrate all that you did that made your heart light up like a goddamn Christmas tree this year. Exhale before January's inhale. Be human.
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