I’ve been writing since I was 12 years old. Most of it is terrible, but for every 9 garbage pages, there is 1 page that really impresses 30 year old me.
I’ve been pondering past and present me more since I’ve been out in the world on my own. I’ve had a lot of time to review past work these past few weeks. About 18 journals with random thoughts, and a whole Google Drive & Dropbox of unpublished works - not to mention the unpublished 2nd draft of the book I’ve wanted to put ‘out there’.
These pieces, written over time, tell me a few things that I’d be a goddamn fool not to take seriously now that I have the time and opportunity to bring these things to fruition.
I have always known what I’m Interested in & what to do. Hind sight, they say, is 20/20. I’ve always been under the impression that I’ve been flailing about without a clue of what I should do, especially in my early-mid 20’s. Untrue. I read all my old diaries, notebooks, journals, and blogs and I can see a clear interest in finding and sharing truth. I am interested in what makes humans human, and the things that can connect us in that shared humanity. I have always written about these things in a half serious, half joking light-hearted way. So what gives? Why have I been spinning my wheels worrying about wtf I’m going to do with my life?
I have never been confident in the value in my thoughts and voice, until now. Who knows why this happens to people. I don’t believe I was brought up to feel confident in my voice and had severe issues speaking up in any scenario since I was a child. People in my family say that at a certain age, I turtled up and stopped speaking and engaging in the animated way that I used to as a toddler. I don’t know why, or what kind of standard childhood trauma is responsible for this, but I do know that the inner work I’ve done to become more of myself and show up in the world - as a woman, as a queer, as a creative - has helped me become a person capable of speaking her mind.
At this time in my life, I will not be rushing to get back into another corporate job. Reading past Arianne’s work shows me what has and always will be in my heart. Things, although they are difficult now, are working out exactly as they have to to move on to the next level of my personhood. It would be disrespectful to myself - past, present, and future - to not take this gap in employment to strive fastidiously to help as many people as possible discovery the joy in sorrow, and the sorrow in joy. To help people enjoy the f*ck out of life. I think we need that more than ever now.
My project the last few weeks has been trolling my old work to see what can be retooled and published. It’s a lot of stuff I’m looking forward to bringing out into the light of day - finally. The great part of this has been the gratitude I fee for past Arianne for giving me all this material that’s already prepared and ready for editing, to give my freelance life a great head start. Part of me will always believe we always know exactly where we are going and what we need, even if we aren’t conscious of it. Perhaps, she knew that one day she’d have all the confidence, the resources, and the tools to make the most of the words and to amplify the message.