What Day Is It, Again?
It’s that no man’s land between Christmas and New Years, the first one where I am self-employed. It’s been tough setting boundaries for myself work-wise. I’ve been busy putting things together to launch the first episode of Group Therapy, among other tasks in preparation for my upcoming trip, and it’s been difficult to set aside time to just relax and just be.
Every day feels the same. Not in a bad way - it’s just that I don’t have that Monday morning dread, nor the thrill of 5 o’clock on Friday. All my days feel wide-open with possibility, and that’s great, but I feel like I’ve been spending so much time doing things rather than enjoying being present in this moment of my life.
I don’t have a weekend anymore - not like the rest of the working world - and since I don’t have that clear separation of work time and me time, I’ve been finding it hard to stop working. Whenever I do stop, it feels like I’m wasting time, or that I’m not doing enough, which is a load of crap because I’m doing more than enough.
I’m discovering how ingrained my inner critic is in me. Unfortunately, I’ve perhaps put too much emphasis on equating my value as a person with the things I do. Maybe I find it so hard to just relax because I need to prove that I’m a hard worker, or that I am useful. Having a job implies usefulness. Not having a job, well, it implies you aren’t doing anything. It’s a shame that a part of me feels this way, especially since I am working so hard to release shame from my life. I know that my value as a person has nothing to do with how much or how hard I work, but sometimes that’s really hard to remember. It’s especially hard since I really have nothing else to distract me from my work at the moment (except my mom telling me to take breaks and treat myself, which I find very confusing since I’m sure I got the hard work complex from her).
Anyways, the trip is going to be a welcome release from this work. I really haven’t had a chance to revel in the jobless-ness of it all. Thankfully, I’m finished most of what I needed to do in preparation for Group Therapy to launch, and have most things set to go on auto-pilot when I leave. Here’s what’s left to do:
Finish editing episodes 2 - 10 with new theme music clips from Andrew
Edit video clips for social media
Practice vocal warm ups and hosting best practices
Memorize notes for next set of interviews + more preparation for future episodes
Really, all the brand stuff is good to go for the time being. I have so many people helping me with the aspects of this project from design, to audio, to blogs, to sponsorship, etc etc etc. Thankfully, it has inspired a lot of people to chip in for a shared purpose, relieving me of some stress. The next step for me as a leader (and a balanced human) is to let go of those responsibilities, trust that those aspects are in good hands, and now focus on what led me to this project in the first place: the desire to educate myself and others on serious issues in an entertaining, relatable, playful way. Content! I believe with my focus on content, and continually trying to become a better speaker/host, there’s no way this thing can fail.
But first, some R & R.