Jobs That May Or May Not Exist That I Would Excel At

Having recently been laid off from my corporate job, I’ll be perfectly honest: I’m not entirely certain that I’ll be able to fool anyone else in Corporate America to believe in me again. Mainly because my personality is ridiculous and over the top, and it shows all over social media. There’s no hiding when you are a chronic oversharer. It wouldn’t surprise me if prospective future employers audited my online presence and questioned whether I’d be an unnecessary distraction to actual real world adult things including numbers, and so forth. I suppose that’s just a risk they’re going to have to take.

Knowing this about myself is half the battle. The other half is creating opportunities that lead me to work with my very unique skills, abilities, and passions. So, I’m going off the books. Below is a list of jobs I believe that given the chance I would really just knock it out of the park:

Detective on the show “Cheaters”
I mean, I do it for free on Facebook anyways, I might as well get paid for it.

Person who decides what goes on TV
I imagine this person to be someone who sits atop a golden throne that Stephen Spielberg, Lorne Michaels, and whoever owns HBO, pilgrimage to annually to be anointed by a magical sceptre. In this role, I would finally end “The Bachelor” and also, the less interesting “The Bachelorette”, which I know is an unpopular platform to campaign on, but I feel like it’s for your own good. Here are some to prove my abilities, here are web series that should be TV series.

Strangers
Long Story Short
Her Story
Sorry For Your Loss
And just because I said that I would take away The Bachelor, here is Burning Love.

The executor of Charlie Sheen’s final will and testament.
I’m pretty sure this man will never die, but in case he does, I’ll make sure that Ashton Kutcher doesn’t get a penny. Not that he needs it - that guy is cashed up and smart af.

Puppy Rescue Patrol
As implied, a saviour to all puppies whose owners lock them in cars on hot summer afternoons.

Mattress Tester
This is just wishful thinking as I like any excuse to take more power naps, but I mean, I want the job if it exists.

Judge, Jury, and Executioner of Minor Social Annoyances
This job is basically a small claims court except instead of suing for money, plaintiffs are suing to make a point and make their friend/frenemy feel stupid and think about his or her actions in the future. This could easily turn into a hipster Judge Judy style reality TV show which I will pitch to someone, someday.

FBI Consultant
In this job, I would use my special talent of always knowing ‘whodunit’ in every suspense thriller I’ve ever seen to my advantage.

Contemporary Avant Garde Dancer
In this art, I would need no formal training. I got moves.

Dorito Flavour Consultant
In this job, I would be in charge of tasting Doritos. My uniform would be a hazmat suit, and even though I know it’s a dangerous job, I’m willing to put my life on the line for the happiness of single women everywhere.

The person in charge of making sure executives are aware that their company’s commercial is,
indeed, stupid.
Seriously, how’d that get approved? So many levels of approval…

Pimp.
Needs no explanation.

Arianne TongComment