The Goal of Spontaneity
This post is exactly what the title suggests it is: I really, with all my heart, want to be spontaneous. About a year ago, I wrote about the mind and the body. I wrote about how the two were in constant contention with one another, and that I favoured the mind as the universal, unlimited source of potential that was constrained by the body. If only we didn't have these flesh and bone jail cells, we could have it all, and we'd be so wonderfully free. Right? Well, I think that I had it wrong. I might have undervalued the body and overvalued the mind. I have, like many other people in this crazy world, put too much effort in forethought and thinking "the future", and "the past". Thinking is my undoing, and it can poison the present moment that I really want to be in tune with every aspect of.
Every single genuinely happy moment I've ever had was something I wasn't planning or thinking about. Life just happened, and I liked it. Lately I've been in the habit of planning what my perfect life would be like, who my perfect people are, how we meet, what we are going to do in a month, what I want to be doing in a year, where I am going to live, who I'm going to live with, where I want to travel, who I want to go out with, how I'm going to make it happen...the list goes on. There's uncertainty we look to band-aid with plans.
The thing about plans is that they are a lousy band-aid; no matter what the plans are, no matter how enthusiastic you are for them, or no matter how much you love the people who you make plans with or for, life will interrupt those plans at any moment. When life happens, you realize the triviality of plans, and this can be almost as devastating as whatever happened that foiled the plans in the first place.
Now, a month ago, I also wrote about scars. I talked about the scars that you have on your body that tell a story. I didn't talk about the internal scars; the ones that keep hurting long-term in a more abstract sense. Today, I really talked my heart out about my Dad for the first time with a good friend, and I realized that I'm hurting a lot. Duh. It seems ridiculous, but for two months all I wanted was to survive, and now that I have, all I want to do is heal myself. All that time I was so sure that I was okay, but its become apparent that as strong as I am, I've taken a big hit and its thrown me off the course of who I thought I was. I've realized I started making plans to make myself feel better - to have a future project through which I could fix myself, or have someone fix me. My friend said that it seemed like I was looking for someone or something to band-aid that internal scar. When I realized this, I was kind of shocked and disappointed. I've always considered myself to be an independent person, kind of like a superwoman that could take anything and keep on going. I wondered for a couple weeks why things were not happening as easily for me as they usually do - why I didn't feel as self assured in my abilities. The truth is that I do need to some work on me as a whole before I can really take on anything else. Or rather, now that I've realized there's work to be done on me, the other parts of my life that I currently so desperately want to plan and have within my grasp, will fall into place effortlessly.
My goal is to live spontaneously; not to be free of my mind completely, but to let things happen on their own. I want to feel each moment, and let it take me and compel me to act with all of myself, rather than debate the pros and cons of circumstances. I'm not talking big life decisions here like moving out or throwing caution to the wind and doing something stupid like get married to a stranger. I'm talking about the simple things in life. Going for a run, meeting friends on the fly, creating art and expressing myself in various ways, holding someones hand here and there, or kiss someone that I care about. I don't want to have to think about the protocol of everyday life and interaction. I don't want to be stuck in past behaviours, mindsets, or reactions. I, at some point, just want to be - with myself and with others. I want every decision that I make to be fully present, full of love and life, and therefore, completely content and happy with every possible outcome. Practice makes perfect, so I guess I'm going to start living and treating every morning like a small birth, and every night as a small death; to wake up and let the world take me where it wants me to go, like a good passenger. This is my spontaneity project, not that I'm planning it or anything.